Being Stuck

I don’t know where to deluge my heart nor I know how make it things right. Its been a long time and we still hold back to those memories which brought us a part. I know you had made up your mind to leave me behind, and even I know I was the reason behind who you are now. But my complaint is little about myself and more about circumstances which made me to a person whom you hate, now I hate him too. It always had been a struggle for me to stay out of sight, where I always wanted to shelter you with all that I have. I know, i carry a demon in me, even I’m scared of it. All I wanted you to dive deep inside, into my darkness and find a light which is still hiding since then. I wanted to walk in those darkest night holding your hand because all that i had was you. Now I’m stuck in a path of “nowhere” lost into the infinity of pain.

“Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can’t escape this now
Unless you show me how”

This is what I feel now, just that you come and hold my hand showing me how to tackle to get back to “Us” which we had before. You know, I remember those days when we were awake almost all nights talking, sharing and caring, being to crazy together, the long smile on the screen you used to send, the sadness you spoke of, making me part of your every happiness. I miss those days and I know the facts that it the cherished memory which I might not get back again. But you need to know something :

I cared for you, may be I still do. Even when you were so busy running away from me, from your own self, I thought I be the anchor for your lost sail. Even when you claimed that you were too broken to love, I thought that maybe my love would be enough to hold us together. But you were too busy aiming for stars, while I was down on the ground trying to make a home out of our ruins. You were always more than enough for me, but the truth is, you never wanted me back when I was lost in the ocean of fate.

Because the past isn’t important than the present

Because he it was busy building a home for them

Because he doesn’t want to loose what they had before

 

The Silence

2.07 Am

Completing the last work which was pending for the day, Song kept playing around him. Suddenly everything seems dark, “Shit, Screw Power” Murmured to himself. Sitting there  checking his mails through phone suddenly he saw a name, Immediately he swap to another software to ignore it. His heart beat started to increase, there was some uncomfortable in his heart so he started to concentrate towards his work, started to check his work and plan schedule for upcoming days. It started to get worse in his head because of darkness and silence around his so he grabbed his headphones which was laying on bed, with shaking hands he had them plugged in to his phone, with high volume he started playing songs which ever he found on his screen. Looking out the window a little relaxed, but In his head  many things started to take a walk which was not in control of himself. With a next song he heard lyrics saying

“It’s like
I’m walking on broken glass
I wanna know but I don’t wanna ask

So say you love me
Or say you need me
Don’t let the silence
Do the talking
Just say you want me
Or you don’t need me
Don’t let the silence
Do the talking

It’s killing me
(love in silence)”

With out his knowledge the tear’s started accumulating inside his eyes, with in no time they started to roll down. It was her name, it was an advertisement from some company with her name.He knew what’s going to happen now. He knew where this is going to drag him towards. He was scared.

“What do you want now? Why are you doing this to me? Why do you want to see me cry? Is this the reason I loved you? Was this is reason I made you mine. Do you know how much I had myself suffer? Many nights putting myself to sleep, Do you have any idea the damage you cost to my life ? for what, just for loving you? Was it a mistake ? Please get out of my head ! He broke

After a while he started to pen down his feelings to send to her “If you had time to think about me, to know me better, you would had understood the feelings in me, the love in me. :I don’t know how to un- love which I have for you. If you had your feet washed at shore of my soul you would had known, If you  had took a walk with me around my vintage road of feelings you would had known,  you are still here somewhere, deep inside the marrow of my bones, Put your hands in my heart, and they will be stained from all the love what I had for you just before you left.

His finger was over the button “SEND” but he didn’t had courage to send. He knew that what ever his feelings are it doesn’t matter to her. He just erased everything and throwed his phone on the pillow and cried himself to sleep.

There was no one around him to answer, other than silence. Its the only thing accompanied him all the time. He knew all these things don’t make any sense but this is what he had gone through, this is what he had to give now, this is what all he gave to the so called : Love

The Proposal

Well, From where should i start to pour my heart out – I don’t know what exactly is love, what it is meant.

But i believe that it comes from heart, I have watched a thousand movies, how they put up this word “Love” and how they managed to resemble what exactly its meaning is, what exactly its feeling is, but in the end – Its unknown.

Well, the good news for me is that I have found the meaning of it – You wanna know then just look at yourself. Yes, its the other name of you. There is this “Love at First sight” thing, but when ever I saw you, Its kind of love at every sight, I fall for you – I fell for that curve you always wear on your face – I am in Love ! Everyone have this idea of their dream girl, but I never had one until I saw you. You are just perfect – And because of you I want to be your other perfect. I want this love to happen in my life with you. So that I get a chance to make my own fairy tale, a chance to live with a princess like you.

You know something, what you did ?

Without knowing, without ever realizing, you gave me things no one ever has – the freedom to feel completely at ease with who I am around you, the freedom to wear my flaws up to my sleeves and not pretend to be perfect, the comfort of knowing that I don’t have to put masks around you, the contentment of knowing that you won’t ever look down on me because of my darkness, the beautiful vulnerability of showing you my scars, the brutal honesty of revealing every tiny dark secret and knowing that you won’t ever run away because of that. Here is something i came across which is just so true authored by NYM and this is what i want to be in your life,

If I can’t be the curve on your face
When you smile genuinely
Let me be the tears on your cheeks
When memories roll down helplessly

Remember me as the travelogue of your life
Your ultimate journeys and trips
Else, I’ll be the blank pages in your diary
Words failing to travel from your head to your lips

So, Here I’m on my knees, wishing to make you my princess so that I can build an empire with you – fort of freedom, army of happiness and light of prosperity. Will you marry me ?

I’m wide awake

“Oh shit” he shouted to himself, running to the kitchen as he kept tea on stove. Turning off the fire, tried to get rid of the vessel from the stove, “Crap” he muttered with burnt fingers lifting it with bare hands and started rushing towards tap, keeping his finger in running water. Looking at the vessel, tea was completely evaporated. “See, this is how you end up. Not even one work you do correctly” He said to himself. Turning off the tap, he went back to his room keeping his fore finger in mouth, as he wanted it to keep it cool as it was burning very badly. Settling himself on the chair where he was working, looking out of the window, it was drizzling. The smell of the mud was all around the room, it felt good. He opened both the windows as he saw through the lights while raining, it was looking like a rainbow.

Standing there for a while, looking at those wonderful colours. Mind drifted to one of his happiest moment in life. He was in a train heading towards north, to meet someone special. It was his first time travelling for long distance just to meet some one who had changed his life incredibly. Yes, he was in love with that person, she was everything to him. She was the air to breath, rain to harvest his thoughts and guidance to lead his life. When he left from his hometown, it was raining. He was pretty much excited, he always dreamed of travelling alone  for adventure. He fell in love with the cool breeze coming from the rain when he was sitting on the platform waiting for the train, looking around. Everything seem to be so beautiful around him. He was just waiting for that long needle to drop down from 6 to 6.30pm so that he starts his journey.

A splash of water hit his face when he was relaxing on his chair near the window and it applied a pause to his thoughts of what had been in past. He was hurt, there were so many things he had lost, what happened then he didn’t want to remember as he was scared that he might break down again, and there was no one around to hold him. Taking a sheet of paper, he started to write – “I know, I should not let you in. I’m a hurricane and I’ll consume you. You’ll be so intoxicated by me, I’ll become your favourite drug. Every bit of you would be spent saving me, fighting my demons. I’ll destroy me and as well as you. Hence, I should not let you in. But all the gravity in the world is pulling me towards you. It’s like I’m drowning and only you can save me. I was that kid who never speaks out. I was this person who kept things to himself. Maybe I was afraid to be apprehended for a wrong word I might say. I am scared at how words can be so powerful and how emotions can be so uncontrollable, that it can ruin what I cherished and alter things that I have been so accustomed to.”

He paused himself, then again started – “..like a volcano that has long been quiet, this heart is ready to erupt in deadly heat. Like any food that you keep, for so long, it will start to rot, that when you open its container, the smell just invades, the food looks gory, and everything is just so unpleasing.”

Closing the book, He smiled at life. I never knew you would put me through all these things, I never thought that I might loose that precious  battle in my entire life and I would end up pushing my feelings on a piece of paper in the middle of the night,  rather than sharing with someone who I used to know, whom I believed as the soul of my life.

Because he was in love again..

Because he missed her every moment..

Because She is still everything to him….

Love is what All I have

“I love you, these are not just the words – It’s my feelings, No one compares to you. You are one of a kind, an amazing one. And of course, you are everything in my life. When I first hugged you it was perfect and it becomes a bit more perfect every time. The times spent with you are the “Best moments of my life” and I can never ever let you go from my vision. They all say love happens only once, but I can prove all of them wrong ”Whenever I see you smiling, I fall in love once again, for me it happens every time I stare at you, every time I get glimpse of your smile. The child in you is what makes me so fond of you and make me go crazy”

To care for you, is love to me. To hold your hand, is love to me. To be with you all eternity, is love to me. And if this is love, then I swear, I long to be in love with you for the rest of “Our” life. Dear let’s run away to some other galaxy, where only we both are around and away from this unrealistic world, here people are behind everything other than humanity. I just want to sit in front of you and stare at those beautiful eyes, The way you look, they way you act childishly, the way you care for me, the way you scold me – we are all together.

After each fight, the way we get lot closer, the way we convince each other and say sorry for the fight. The way you kiss me calling “Idiot” – Every single act of yours make me go crazy in love with you every passing second. This is what I have for you, this is all what I had for you, “I love you” These are not just words – They are connected wires of feelings for you to keep you smiling and happy all my life.

Because he was not ready to let go of his love that easily.

Because he had built a world with her, now without her there is no home for him.

Because he felt she was always  The Chosen ONE for him.

I Know I Love You

I know I Love You – I thought you too knew 

He was sitting in the corner of a room, scribbling the notes with her name thinking deep. Ocean of thoughts were rumbling through. One of his usual questions came into his mind – he opened a new page and started to put that thought in.

“Why did I Love you so much?” This question was also raised by his girl friend at a time; He just smiled at this question and said “I love you, I don’t know why!” Now suddenly, he doesn’t know why, a severe need felt deep inside him to let her know what would be the answer for it.

He started to write “It was around 11 pm in the night, Just disconnecting a hour long conversation on phone, from roof climbed down the stairs was and about to reach my room; phone started to blink, that is when he saw her message “How much you love me?”, he hopped on to his bed, inside my blanket, smiled and replied “Just Imagine that I’m in front of you standing, taking your hand and filling with a handful of sand on your palm, now sit and count every sand without losing even one – count with the stars at the sky – that is how much I love you” few seconds later, She replied “I love you :)” Followed by, “Why do you love me so much” I didn’t have any answer because Love never needed a reason!

Controlling his tears, watching the sky out of his window, he paused for few min and again started to write
My heart was stark whiteness, like this page before my thoughts were applied, having no color, before I met you. I remember the first time I saw you. Those eyes drew me in from that moment only to find a heart dormant, but alive. You are becoming a special part of my life, as every time we are together, I learn something else wonderfully new about you.

                Each time we share something, it just feels right. You challenge my emotions and mind to grow upward to a higher level, exploring the unknown. You ask me what I feel, what I see, seeking an answer for a question that has not been completed yet. We are learning to trust and now move forward in our respective days, there is someone who truly understands us.

                How much closer could I feel? I honestly don’t know. Never did I believe I could care for another person as much as I care for you. I sometimes wish for all this to end, for me not to enjoy and look forward to our times together, for you to walk away and for us to go separately.

                Then, the thought our ending frightens me more than the uneasiness of this heart. It’s strange how my feelings for you grow. Please know how very grateful I am to have you become more and more a part of life.

This is what I have for you, this is all what I had for you, “I love you” These are not just words – They are connected wires of feelings for you to keep you smiling and happy all my life. He slowly drifted back into the memories she had strongly embedded in him….

Because he was not ready to let go of his love that easily.

Because he had built a world with her, now without her, there is no home for him.

Because he felt she was always  The Chosen ONE for him.

If I Love You, I Just Do

It was night fall, cold breeze Brushing his hair. Laying on the roof, Staring at the sky – One of brightest star appeared in between moving clouds, playing hide and seek, resembling his love, Sometimes he felt it very deep, but sometimes it was nothing more than a lonely feeling. Days were not so bright and when night arrived it got scarier. Some times there were silent tears, some times there was a silent scream. He had many questions, yet no answers. He loved, He loved truly.Then why wasn’t he happy? Why doesn’t she get it? Sometimes she seems to understand but sometimes her behavior looked as she never did. as if like Every time she needed some proof that he loved her, EVER. Every time he has to make her feel that he indeed love her. She always said she did that, she did this – to the relationship, but his heart always whispered, “Not always it was from your end. I’m also part of it, Holding on to you no matter how things turn out, no matter how much your words hurt ! ”

Going back to his memories, “You never cared me, never Loved me. I just suffered, all my life loving you. You just gave me pain and tears but nothing more” were her words always when they end up with a fight. Going through every word she said, Time froze, so did his heart. After so many sacrifices, Adjustments, Struggles – Everything failed with her words. It was a day when She said ” You never made me feel I’m special, An unknown person made me feel that today, A person who never used to talk to many, he came up to me and said few caring words! He made me feel special “, His heartbeat stopped for a second, no words he could utter but to accept the fact that she felt care much more from others words than from him. May be his love wasn’t that big, maybe she never felt, may be he never showed, but the fact has been- ‘She never understood, nor took it right‘.

It Started to drizzle, Drops of rain falling lightly at first, then it stormed. He got up, Instead of rushing – He sat calmly. Rubbing his face with his palms, feeling every drop of rain, His heart started to whisper ” Yes she was right, she might have never felt. I wasn’t a great lover. I don’t know how exactly love should be expressed. “He believed Love is that silent care, It is the touch of feeling for her. It is a small boat in the storm of life, which dare to challenge the Consequences that storm can bring, put them into it and win over it. It was never a word “thing” which should be tagged, with a price or action ” I loved this much, Cared much more than anyone ever.” It is not something to be put on in display.”

Getting himself up, trying to drag himself towards stairs ” Its OK, You never felt it. But that doesn’t make my love weaker instead it makes it stronger. You believe in love which is shown outside, not the one that exists inside, Even when it was an ocean. If there comes a day that I had to show it outside then no one else’s puddle of love and care could ever match up the ocean of love I carry for you. No matter how many come and go into your life – Mine will always be there, much more bigger than any and with every second it keeps growing.

Because love is not that it should always be exhibited.

Because Love is always a Beautiful, yet silent feeling which he/she always has to have inside.

Trust them, When they love you, They just love.

Projection Of My Shattered Dreams

He was sitting on the roof, watching the lantern fly away towards the empty sky. starless sky, resembling his life and the lantern is what he saw himself as, quietly floating away into the darkness, driven by the winds. Yes, things were getting much more difficult to him with each passing second. He knew few things, few facts of his life. It has been many days, yet memories were at stake – He couldn’t  feel what was really happening inside him. It was like every turn was leading him to a new dead end. Which way to run, where to hide? – As his memories were eating him alive.

Staring at the light which was about to disappear from the lantern, He wished he too vanished into thin air, relieving him from these pains of life. He wanted to put few thoughts to paper, and slowly dragged himself to his room. Finding his dairy in which he usually penned his thoughts. He settled down, to pour.

“Where do i start to divulge in my heart?

The depth of the emotion is far too extreme for solitary sentences to serve them well. Imprisoned by fear with no room for escape in my heart, scars are what I see now with-in the pain I live now.

Today day dreams passed before my eyes. Magical thoughts of you and I – The dreams which we had together, the promises which we made for ourselves. Everything waving off at the sea shore of my heart, and i’m here standing, i see them go, as the waves – You are taking all the hopes with you, Crumbling down the castles of hope, as if they were sand castles on the beach. ‘I once sang words and hummed rhymes, thinking, dreaming, desiring there be a time, A time for me to be with you. To have just a mere glimpse of the same love which we used to have because, being in your thoughts is warmth to my heart.

You broke my heart but still, I took the pain, You pushed me away but still, I waited until I went insane. I cried hard but you just looked away. I told you I love you but still you didn’t stay.

For years, I have wished for you, my star so here i’m , waiting for a time which can turn back the clock back to where i met you for the first time, the moment when I fell in love with you, for all the wonderful moments to happen once again, to give you all that i wish to give, but which I never was able to, so far. Just waiting to replace the time backwards just to keep that smile always glowing on the face, and break the chain of sorrows which i’m bound to carry on. Every single day is becoming more freezing cold and i’m loosing myself, with faith fading away inside. I don’t see those days any more coming towards me. I know now i have to steer this ship, alone, i know i will be lost in the oceans of sorrow, but i also know that i lived through all the happiness which knocked my doors. Now I can see how my dreams are coming to an end, passing by and breaking me apart,

Placing his head on the dairy, Closing his eyes. He knew so many-things were killing him, yet he tried to smile, But he couldn’t stop the tears that escaped from his eyes. There was a sudden knock on his room door, It was his mom, calling for dinner. He shouted back, “I’m Full, will have sometime later”. wiping his tear.

Because He was breaking down again.

Because He knew his dream were shattered enough not dream once again.

Mistakes Which I Couldn’t Repair

It was afternoon, I was working on laptop. Friends were around, chit chatting with each other. I hardly noticed them as I was held with a mountain of pending work which I couldn’t finish it the previous night and so was busy with it. After a few minutes, one of them pulled me away from the laptop to join their conversation. I had to shut it for few a minutes as I was sure they won’t give up unless and until i get to be part of the group discussion.

I sat among them, mind wandering out in search of HER. One friend voiced and said; now it is your turn, for us to hear your love story. Another friend asked, you both are very happy together, I hear. “What is the secret of your relationship?” My mind was laughing at their query and asked me “Is it so?” Lowering my head down, i smiled, at their query and what was really happening. “Everything is fine my mates. We are much more happy now, Being Together. Secret never remains a secret, if you do have, then have a solid reason for it, or else your girl gonna kick your ass for sure.” Laughter erupted all around. Now they moved on to another friend and started to ask him questions, I excused myself in the pretext of freshening up. Locked myself in bathroom, looking in the mirror… broken dreams filled me, questions revolved inside my mind.

Tears slowly started to roll out,” I wish i could speak up the truth; I wish i can share my pains with someone. Pain is what i feel from inside, tears are what i have for myself now. She is happy, and Yes we were happy together, things were beautiful as blossoming flowers in the times when she was with me. She was my perfect women – whom i lost, Whom i can’t afford to lose in this life. I mumbled to my friends outside, You all asked me “What is the key to be happy in relationship, i said be truthful, But i wasn’t all through, Yes i loved her, Yes i always cared for her, I always shared everything to her. But few things i kept to myself, when she asked about it i hid from her, That was the mistake and still I’m paying for it. I wish i could straighten things and make you stay but i know the fact. I saw ‘Everybody talks about loving their family and the virtues of leading a morally good life. But to me it has become a way of life, now, and to express it, by mending my ways. Sure to protect their values & thoughts entail some in-convenience. But a little trouble is the price we pay for love.I am ready to pay any price for that, to get you back to my world.

There was a knock on the door, I splashed the water on my face, checked my eyes for the swelling & attended to the knock. It was my friend who almost dragged me back to the group. I walked with him, with my heart still pounding at my pains and mind still lingering in the thoughts that had come flooding.

UNFULFILLED DREAM – V’DAY DREAM

Parked my bike in a hurry, tried to rush through the gate, but security stopped me and asked me to buy tickets. “Oh! I forgot” keeping my hand over my hair.It was already very late, Dashed to the counter to buy them, there was a big Q. I thought I would miss,Loosing my hope’s I started to walk towards the end of that line and then a grandma saw me in a big hurry. She asked any problem? Stopping my self, Stood  in-front of her said gently,”Just wanted to see someone who would be leaving in few moments that’s it”. She kept seeing into my eyes, There was a silence for a moment and she then let me in ahead of her in the Q to buy the tickets, I was happy, grabbing money from the pockets turning back to her said “Thanks a ton” and then giving a note – picked up the ticket and start to run towards the gate even as the person at the counter shouted ” Sir, your balance money ” I shouted back “Keep the change, thank you”. Reaching towards the entrance, gatekeeper queried, looks like you are in a hurry, what is the rush? I replied, ‘There is someone waiting for me, what if she had left as I’m already late? seeing the ticket in his hands, hurrying myself. After checking it, He just smiled “You could have told me earlier, there you go” He allowed me to enter. With out wasting any second I started to run, making my way towards the only mountain hill in those 247 acres of land. The grass smelt good, weather was perfect, my heart beat was galloping, but I cared less. There were many couples sitting on beaches, they looked adorable while crossing the way. When I was nearing, I saw a kid, very poor and moving towards each couple for something, he was probably around 10 and looked very weak. I stopped to take a breath and he came running to me, and said “Sir, Can I ask you something” he asked politely. I said “Yes dear” bending down to him. He replied “Can you buy me something, it has been a night since I had anything and I’m very hungry” My heart just skipped a beat listening to him. I held his hand and walked him with me. At starting point of the mountain there was a small shop selling fruits, I ordered 2 large fruit salads.

While it was being prepared I asked the kid, ‘why are you roaming here? Where are your parents?” I questioned him, ‘Mom is far from here, I came looking for food. She has nothing to give me so I came here in search’, he replied as all the while staring at the fruit salad. I just stood there lost for words, Just staring at him. After a moment while Fruits were ready and the kid snatched it from the shopper’s hands, and started to gobble. I took mine and paid the money. I said “Would you like to join me to see someone?” to that kid, Having 4 – 5 pieces of fruits inside his mouth, he nodded. We climbed to the top of the mountain and sat eating. “There she is, showing him the sun which was about to set. Isn’t she wonderful” We both sat there having fruits seeing the sun go down. He finished up quickly and was staring at mine. I handed him the bowl. He hesitated for a moment, but I convinced. He took the bowl and started to have, after a while he asked, breaking the silence, ‘Don’t you have a girlfriend? It is Valentine’s Day and all are here with their partner, Why are you alone watching the sunset? Looking around IS YOUR LOVE WITH YOU?” Moving my hand through his hairs I smiled, Silence again became my companion as he was about to complete. Took some money from my pocket handed him few notes. He was shocked and he didn’t accept that. I just said “It’s not for you; Give this to your mom. She will give you food every day” He was silent. I took his hand and kept the money.

Getting up, Now then, Shall I move I said turning back? He said” You still didn’t answer my question” Bending down pulling his Cheeks, Yes she is within me. MY LOVE IS WITH HER BUT I’M NOT LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE WITH HER” I Smiled. He was just staring. I said “Just take care of yourself and your mother” I started to leave from there, after getting down the hill I heard a Voice Shouting “Thank you”, I turned around to see the kid shouting and coming down the hill. He gave me a hug ” You are very good, God will give you everything” He  whispered. Tapping on his back, “You go home safely”. He nodded and started to leave and i just waved good bye to him and left.

Sitting on my bike thinking of what he said “God will give you everything” I just smiled “If that would had happen, I would have watched the sun set with my some one special, My heart would not had yelled with pain when it saw other happy couple in the park and I would not have been broken into pieces every passing day:

Now Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out a candle, and blows in a fire’

Because he is hurt so badly that he have to put up that Big smile just not to let people around him get to know what he is going through

Because he had only his shadow to be around him, as his companion of his dreams

Because life had taken everything from him, while he is still trying to give something to himself – A Hope.